YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
There are been moments over the last 12 months of feeling like I am moving with the purpose of my dreaming soul and there is so much joy and other moments when things have happened, and there has been so much sadness. This sadness has sometimes been accompanied by my old friend – loneliness. It hasn’t felt like there is much space between these extremes.
I say things ‘have happened’ on purpose as the things that have led to this feeling of rising darkness were not my choice. I didn’t get a job I really wanted, a mentor passed away, I lost a job I really loved and recently a very close friend passed away. These life events and then a global pandemic that cut my life line to international travel and connections that I love.
During these darker times I have reverted to some old patterns of behavior that I use to escape and numb the feelings arising in the present moment. These include food, TV and work. Work is a socially acceptable numbing mechanism and actually very useful but I have to watch my ‘hard work’ is not connected to the need for approval.
At the same time I have had opportunity to create some amazing experiences. I have sat on the beach at sunrise each week day for 14 weeks straight, I hosted a global campfire, I have taught Yoga online, I’ve brought people together to write a song, I held an online quiz and raised money for a NGO in India, I got a great new job…lots of things designed to make people feel connected at this time. However, sometimes the outcome for me has been feeling connected in the moment and then afterwards a deep sense of loneliness.
I have been dropping in and out of this book: The Path is Everywhere by Matt Licata. This passage has spoken volumes to me:
What would it be like if you took the day off from becoming someone or something different? Or just a few hours? Or moment?
To set aside the grand project to improve yourself, heal your past, be someone different, or to learn something new. To figure something out, to manifest new things or experiences for yourself, to replace what is here for something different. To dare to allow in the life-shattering possibility that nothings is wrong, nothing is truly missing, and that your life is not a project to be solved, but a mystery to be lived.
I am writing now because maybe this is also your experience? You may not experience the same feelings of joy and sadness/loneliness but maybe some other opposites – your own old friends!
I don’t have any solution or resolution to offer as this is ‘what is’. Just letting you know you are not alone – now there’s a paradox!